I wish to write about trauma because I think the word scares a lot of people. Would you run a mile or listen, really listen to someone who speaks of trauma? — No offence to those who don't and can't, due to self preservation. I get it. I know my family have opened their eyes after what I have expressed and been through. I genuinely think we all hold trauma more than we think. Subconsciously or consciously. I'm not trying to sound dramatic or make mountains out of mole hills but if you think about it, if something makes you snappy (aside from being tired) chances are it's hit a nerve. Does this sound true for you?! … I think it's an interesting debate. So I share my experience to explore this. I have been brought up with great love and affection. It's just that some things have hurt me, (sometimes totally unintentionally) and clearly stuck in my mind. Because the body holds those experiences. Over the years, I have talked to therapists and they have encouraged me to dive deeper into my feelings and explore why I felt hurt. I felt I had been treated as though I am not worthy of love, acceptance and belonging at various points in my life; - I was bullied at primary and secondary school - I really wasn't heard by my family when talking at the dinner table - My ex-boyfriends have all taken far more than given - Nobody around me listened when I was struggling from birth trauma, and as a new mum with PTSD. (My full birth story is on my website.) Confirmation bias played a big part in me feeling unworthy but I have now flipped that, through the help of time, my own work on myself and therapy of various kinds. To share some of the things that helped me; counselling, massage therapy, reiki, sound therapy, transformational breath, dancing, time in nature, talking to good friends that are mums, and certainly time alone, not being needed by anyone else. It has not been easy, of course. It has been incredibly challenging. But I read something recently that said you have got to break to expand. I agree… I genuinely feel that some of what I have been through was a blessing in a (rather shite!) disguise. Due to more recent and devastating events including divorce and issues with my family which I won’t go into, I now truly know my worth and I am very aware of my boundaries. I am very happy to be where I am. I am now simply able to observe what has shaped me, and I share this in a hope that it may help others. Or at least encourage them to reflect and heal wounds they didn't know they had. Or even to simply do some gentle ‘weeding’ around those wounds to begin with. In my research as a teacher with an interest in trauma, particularly after my birth experience having Matilda, I read that we can hold trauma from our own birth experience coming into the world. Imagine that... Sometimes these things are deep down, pocketed away. I'd like to finish up with a quote from Ana T. Forrest, an amazing yoga teacher who has healed through a great deal of struggle from a young age … “My study with Native American Medicine People has taught me that it's crucial to recognise each aspect of yourself like the facets of a gemstone and give it a place and purpose within you. That way, it won't sabotage you or come out in shocking and inappropriate ways, as can so often happen."
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